Are You in the Trap of Living to Please Others?

Life is just plain tiring when you spend all of your time trying to please others. You think you can avoid this trap... but again you find yourself snared by the expectations and desires of others (and it leaves you exhausted). How can you tell if you're getting stuck in this rut again? Why does it happen? And how can you get out of it?

How do you know you're stuck in a people pleasing mode? Do you find yourself constantly wondering what you can do to make somebody else happy? Your spouse, your children, your boss? Many times these seem really valid - after all, you want to make your family and your employer happy. But you don't ever feel satisfied. Instead you feel exhausted. You may even feel frustrated, because no matter what you do, you just can't make the other person happy.

When you realize all of your energy is going to trying to please or entertain other people, you know something needs to change. That's much easier said than done, however. It can help to examine exactly why you may find it so important to please others.

Many people who feel a deep need to please others also find themselves feeling like they're less than that other person (or people). When we're children we automatically look up to and desire to please the adults in our lives. We can sense that they have superior experience and wisdom. However, as we grow things change. There will always be people around you that know more than you do about specific subjects. But as an adult you need to shed a childish outlook and deep desire to please.

When you're an adult there will always be somebody who knows more than you about certain topics - and you're going to know more than they do. You're an equal in all senses. You are not inferior to anybody. But feeling inferior, or that you're somehow "not as good as" somebody else leads you to feel a need to please them. Let go of this need. Realize that even though you may have things to learn from someone, you don't need to impress them or serve them, bestow favors upon them, or do anything else to garner their pleasure. Just listen to their wisdom on topics they know something about, and share yours on topics you know about. If a person treats you as if you are inferior, stop trying to please that person and just get them out of your life! You deserve better.

Another reason you may feel trapped into pleasing others is because you measure your happiness by theirs. This is often true of parents and children. The parent wants his or her child to be happy. If the child is happy, the parent feels happy. If the child is unhappy the parent feels guilt. So you spend all your time trying to keep your child happy.

This is a trap! First, it does you no good at all. And it does your child huge amounts of harm. Your child learns not to work hard and to help others, but that the world revolves around him or her and that everybody should serve him or her (just like you do.) Don't fall into this trap. It's hard to see your child disappointed by not getting something or being able to do something, but that's life. And life goes on. Comfort your child and assure him or her that other opportunities will arise and other things will come along. Then let it go. Don't live to please your child - that's not why you're his or her parent.

How do you deal with people-pleasing habits? It's going to take work, but you can change. First off, realize that you are a wonderful person. Think back over the things that you've accomplished. Think about your goals and dreams. Know that you've done good things and you're going to continue to do good things. You may make mistakes and you may have things to learn - but that's true of everybody who is successful. In the end, it's the successes that are remembered.

Don't put yourself in positions where your needs are ignored. Don't volunteer for jobs you know you won't be appreciated in. Just tell them no. It's good for you. Consider using positive affirmations. If you say your affirmations every day, day in and day out, they will eventually sink in. Keep at it. Learn to like yourself. Learn your limits. Stick to those limits and require others to respect your limits. Do do things to please others at times - but remember yourself, too.

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